Award Police: Part I

(Part I of III)

Ah…the sweet smell of Kate Winslet’s sweat, as the biggest night of the year approaches. That is, in fashion, style, a little golden man and poor Kate Winslet, going home four, soon to be five times with only a lousy gift bag. Yes, Oscar night is upon us.

For all of us yeomen and yeowomen, the police of the awards, the Oscar Buzzers, we eagerly await this night with extensive lists of Oscar Predictions, upturned faces, and a night prayer for Letters from Iwo Jima to become a last-minute black horse. However, the Hollywood isn’t so nice after all. Once again, from Madonna’s worst album, "How can it hurt when it feels so good?" Yes it’ll feel good if Forest Whitaker grasps that Oscar, or if the aforementioned Winslet basks in the aura of an Academy Award win. But think Fergie… "And my Daddy told me so, he let his daughter know…" In other words (for less Fergalicious readers), showbiz ain’t E-Z. Yes, all these stars such as Vivien Leigh and Orson Welles, blinded by the blight of glamour, Hollywood and vogue, they appraise Hollywood’s open arms and loving embraces. Fuck that. Just ask Jeremy Piven a.k.a. Ari Gold. He’s forty-five and didn’t make headlines until last month.

Now let’s take a break from Fergie and Smokin’ Aces, I tend to delve off-topic to pleasured subjects (Ok, Jeremy Piven, not Smokin’ Aces). Let’s get to the main topic of this post: The Oscars.

My predictions are not the best. I have a feeling that I, like everybody else, am subject to putting my homie Forest Whitaker in front of Lawrence of Arabia. Still, these are my predictions.
Picture – Little Miss Sunshine
Director – Martin Scorsese, The Departed
Leading Actor – Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland (arrgh)
Leading Actress – Helen Mirren, The Queen (duh)
Supporting Actor – Marky Mark, The Departed
Supporting Actress – Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
On my original predictions (you know…the ones for nominees), I did okay. No, I did terribly, in my perspective. I made 4/5 in Best Picture, not surprisingly, considering how I, as well as the rest of the world, missed the Dreamgirls overkill instead of the critically acclaimed Letters from Iwo Jima. In director, I made out 4/5 (again), this time skipping Greengrass for Bill Condon for Dreamgirls. However, poor Paul never made much higher up than #12-ish on my predictions. In Actor, I predicted 4/5, pretty well, or an lovely 5/5 if you’re nice and say that I got Leonardo DiCaprio and it doesn’t matter if he was nominated for Blood Diamond, not The Departed. There won’t be much text on Best Actress, 5/5, considering that two weeks before the nominees were announced; we all already knew that if Maggie Gyllenhaal slipped in, that would render as a total shock. Supporting Actor was my misstep, with an appalling 1/5. Thank god for Eddie Murphy. Some of my blunders were understandable, Jack Nicholson instead of Marky Mark? Duh. However, why I believed Michael Sheen would get a nod is now beyond my post-coital Nominee experience. Earlier, Cinemaniac blasted my predictions in only the Supporting Actor. I was a dumbass and refused to budge my precious Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck. Once again, personal opinion over critical opinion. I preferred the grandeur and glamour of Affleck in Hollywoodland to Djimon Honsou’s grit and glistening forehead in the mediocre Blood Diamond. Still, Honsou’s silver tie at the Golden Globes as positively orgasmic. Ok, I think I’ll move on now. Supporting Actress I scored 5/5, everything from Jennifer Hudson bravura and Cate Blanchett’s ethereality to Rinko Kikuchi’s undefinable deafness (she made Babel watchable). Although, Barrazza and Breslin just don’t do it for me. At least I pulled off a perfect 5/5…

So those are my views on the upcoming Oscars. For now, on Oscar Buzz, we’re dissecting Marky Mark’s penis size, Rinko Kikuchi’s nomination-grabbing nudity, Meryl Streep’s 46% Oscar nomination rate, Kate Winslet fanboyism and the recently ended delicate dance between Breakfast and the admins. Anyway, as I’m reading over this, I’m starting to sound like Breakfast. Is that good or bad? It’s better than sounding like Joe/Yorick. ("Eveb," "Idae," "I’m a pathetic, sad person," "Well, f--k you!" all are direct quotes from one thread). Now excuse me while I decide whether to use Lil’ Kim’s "Whoa!" or Dreamgirls’ "One Night Only" for next week’s Wake Up! You can give me another suggestion through comments.

This is Naughty Marianne Jean-Baptiste’s three-part Oscar column "Award Police". Tune in next time for the last-minute thoughts as well as what next week’s Wake Up! video will be.