April Fool's Day: Part II

This is the second part of the April Fool's Day celebration, with tiers of the films, performances and direction. The black signifies the nominees, the blue signifies the contenders and red signifies the long shots. Part II is Picture and Leading Actor/Actress. Part III is the less interesting part, with Director and Supporting Actor/Actress. With the exception of me, because Supporting Actress is just such a sexy category. Now excuse me while I run off to watch Grind House with zombies eating Fergalicious meat and getting shot down by Rose McGowan's undeniably sexy gun of leg.

Picture
Reservation Road
Charlie Wilson’s War
American Gangster
There Will be Blood
The Assassination of Jesse James...
Evening
In the Valley of Elah
The Golden Age
Stop Loss
Sweeney Todd
Rendition
My Blueberry Nights
A Mighty Heart
I’m Not There
The Golden Compass
Elegy: Dying Animal

Leading Actress
Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart
Cate Blanchett, The Golden Age
Catherine Keener, An American Crime
Nicole Kidman, Margot at the Wedding
Halle Berry, Things We Lost in the Fire
Marion Coitllard, La Vie en Rose
Keira Knightley, Atonement
Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson’s War
Anna Paquin, Margaret
Reese Witherspoon, Rendition
Norah Jones, My Blueberry Nights
Jodie Foster, The Brave One
Vanessa Redgrave, Evening
Ashley Judd, Bug
Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
Julie Christie, Away From Her

Leading Actor
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will be Blood
Brad Pitt, The Assassination of Jesse James...
Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson’s War
Joaquin Phoenix, Reservation Road
Denzel Washington, American Gangster
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Tommy Lee Jones, In the Valley of Elah
Jake Gyllenhaal, Rendition
Don Cheadle, Talk to Me
John Cusack, Grace Is Gone
Christian Bale, Rescue Dawn
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Javier Bardem, Goya’s Ghosts
Ryan Phillippe, Stop Loss
James McAvoy, Atonement
Javier Bardem, Love in the Time of Cholera

Award Police: Part III

Alas is the last segment. After a shitload of postponements, ‘ere is the third part of “Award Police,” the fashion segment.

Now I honestly don’t have much to bitch about in the fashion sense. Yes, Jessica Biel’s Pepto-Bisml dress was so tacky that even Abigail Breslin opted for a May-Queen style, but otherwise… Then again, I can go on for pages about how it isn’t usually a good idea to zoom in on Beyoncé during the acceptance speech of the Visual Effects, no matter how well she listens (no “Listen”/Dreamgirls pun intended). Still, I have to claim my eternal love for J. Lo’s daring, yet absolutely stunning dress. Girl, you got style.

This year was not a big year for fashion mishaps, or even a Charlize Theron-esque daring endeavor of a bow-on-shoulder that begins a tense online debate. Whatever.

First off: the Aussies. Naomi Watts must learn that poking through Cate Blanchett’s garbage is disturbing no matter marvelous her dress was and the fact that she won. Damn, you weren’t even nominated! Then there was Nicole Kidman. As I depicted with a sickening picture of her paired with a moppy Philip Seymour Hoffman, her cherry-red bow-topped (stole from Theron) Thing was quite cruel to Daniel Craig, cherries, Charlize Theron and everybody that she took up photo space with. Her Thing left memories in my mind of atrocious Björk swan dress, but otherwise, I turned my head, no matter how much I wanted to look at James Bond, away from the TV set. Bitch.

Then there were the dazzlers, the razzle-dazzlers, who stunned us with their daring waist sequins (the aforementioned J. Lo), their usual Hollywood glamour and elegance (Kate Winslet), the fashionable sweep of a azure shoulder strap (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and many, many more… The names listed above form a formidable list of the first and foremost women in Oscar fashion. And here I am, presenting the ten best-dressed women on February 25th, 2007:
10. Emily Blunt
9. Beyoncé Knowles
8. Cate Blanchett
7. Kate Winslet
6. Rachel Weisz
5. Penelope Cruz
4. Maggie Gyllenhaal
3. Helen Mirren
2. Reese Witherspoon
1. The Amazing Goddess of Jennifer Lopez

Witherspoon, who after her little Mena Suvari-wannabe Malibu hooker outfit, turned back into simplistic style with that beautiful navy blue dress, particularly surprised me. Yummy. Tell me again, why did Ryan Phillippe divorce her?

And then there were the men. Not much going on special, with sole exceptions of George Clooney, Djimon Hounsou and Mark Wahlberg, and then that despicable outfit that Philip Seymour Hoffman put together… Oh goodness, he won an Oscar and his style is that bad? Oh. My. Goodness. Let’s shift our mindsets back to the three amigos, Clooney, Hounsou and Wahlberg, who were all immaculately dressed, I luv u all.

So that’s about it. I send my love to J. Lo and Marky Mark…but otherwise, let fashion live free and happy for the rest of it’s goddamn life. And how come Meryl Streep has no fashion whatsoever after The Devil Wears Prada? Let’s stick it J. Lo and Marky Mark.

The Worst Dressed.

Call the fashion police. Or Miranda Priestley, mabye J. Lo and George Clooney. But Philip Seymour Hoffman's evident "I don't really give a damn" or Nicole Kidman's sickening bow makes her resemble some sort of fake cherry-colored Charlize Theron. Reminds of Fergalicious bad fashion (Kidman, not Hoffman's sweaty recycling of haut monde). A shout out to Naomi Watts, don't go snooping around in Cate Blanchett's trash.

Er...Sunday Maybe?

No Award Police: Part III today. Wait 'till tomorrow.

I've Been a Real Bad Girl...

The last segment of "Award Police: Part III" is not coming out today, wait until tomorrow.

The Best Dressed

Ah Fashion...I love J. Lo and George Clooney.

Award Police: Part II

(Part II of III)

Oh, the anticipation! Oh, the glamour! Oh, the drama! Oh, Jack Nicholson’s Britney head! The Oscars certainly arrived, last night, in style, vogue and Jennifer Hudson’s god-given tears.

The night began off as a partly cloudy late afternoon with the biggest names in showbiz right there, in front of Kodak Theatre. Now, before I begin to evoke a meteorologist, I should say I forgot it was only four P.M. in Los Angeles. Oh, what the hell, let the party begin.

The Barbara Walters special was actually quite interesting, considering that Helen Mirren would “take her kit off” again and Eddie Murphy’s …er… love of recluse. Yet, fuck that. The Oscars was why I was watching television. The evening began with those tiresome celebrity interviews with those blurbs of info at the bottom of my television screen. Also, some large black man describing the process of Jennifer Hudson choosing her not-particularly-stylish dress (get rid of that snakeskin jacket, sister!) and her “comfortable” stiletto heels. Are stiletto heels really oh-so-comfortable? Only at the Oscars.

So now that were done with the milling around on the red carpet, let’s move into Ellen DeGeneres’ hut of golden statues and everyone that really matters in film (well except for poor Judi Dench, who was having surgery on her boobs). Sadly, the normally snappy DeGeneres failed to make the night come alive (with the exception of a few jokes), attempting to portray some sort of celebrity soothsayer. Forget calming down and Christian Baptism hymns, bring on the jokes, bitch! I want my Jon Stewart. Hell yeah, I could be a better host. Anyway, praying that we’ll get a more interesting host next year; let the awards commence.

Art Direction? Who really cares other than Guillermo Del Toro? Make-up? Psssh… Sound mixing and sound editing? Their only virtues were some random guy sticking his hands into mud for Apocalypto. I don’t remember the order…because don’t people have lives? Do they really need to sit there with their eyes glazed over at whether a impossibly cute Jaden Smith and a similarly cute Abigail Breslin (although, maybe you should take some improv classes, little one) presented Live-Action Short before Animated Short. And then there was Supporting Actor.

Now before I announced my bewilderment over Supporting Actor, let me say this: I don’t give a damn about any technical, or any other category besides the big eight besides Original Song and Costume Design. Or scrap the screenplays. That was boring. Let’s move onto to Alan Arkin’s little golden statue. Supporting Actor was among the categories with the most weight (besides Picture). So, the drama was heightening as gorgeous Mark Wahlberg furrowed his eyebrows his eyebrows at the damn sexy woman named Rachel Weisz, as she proudly declared “And the winner is…” Alan Fucking Arkin. In actuality, he and Breslin were thankfully the only highlights of an otherwise mediocre film. However, his acceptance speech was a few lengths short of deviating my attention from my fingernails. I miss his jaded cynicism from Thirteen Conversations About One Thing, or his heroin-and-porn addiction from Little Miss Sunshine. Bring on the love, grandpa! I want you to tear me away from my lengthening fingernails!

OK, I’m finished ranting. Let’s move on. Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls. No surprises here, except her mention of Jennifer Holliday in her heartfelt acceptance speech (hers, Whitaker’s and the female Best Make-Up (“It’s very heavy!” upon receiving her Oscar) recipient had the only remotely digressing acceptance speeches). I want her acceptance speech. Thank god, and her heartfelt (overused word?) dedication to her grandmother, more heartfelt than Reese Witherspoon’s peppy grandmother dedication.

Then there was costume design, whose elaborate sets, a live dog, a sashaying Annika Noni Rose wannabe and a suddenly living sword, were eye candy. Speaking of eye candy, the succulent Marie Antoinette received an Oscar (“Let them eat cake!”) while the even more delicious Marky Mark failed to obtain his much deserved statue. Now let’s move onto Original Song. The Cars song was awfully dead, compared to the explosive power of Dreamgirls or the environmental slides of “I Need To Wake Up” from double-winner An Inconvenient Truth. While the three glamorous Dreamgirls songs might have missed out, Melissa Etheridge’s heartfelt kiss to her lesbian makes all those ranting wannabe liberals (Crash was actually a better film, face it) forget about last year’s Brokeback “snub.” Although “Listen” is stuck in my head, “Patience” brought the real power to the Original Song category. Patience, little brother… Patience, little sister… Maybe it was too much of a reference to Catwoman to win.

Now let’s get onto the big dawgs.

Leading Actress: Helen Mirren. “This is the queen!” Otherwise, no surprises here.

Leading Actor: Hallelujah, Forest Whitaker took home the other queen! The great actor finally took home a “queen” in all his grander. His acceptance speech brought out the tears in me (again, I also cried when Jennifer Hudson won and during the “In Memoriam.” They should have had a more tear-worthy actress besides Jodie Foster do that next year), I loved his story of how one can be raised up high by dreams. How a little boy in the back seat of a drive-in car could be such a Forest Whitaker. I love you, Idi.

Now let’s move onto the three amigos and Marty. Poor, poor George Lucas never won and Oscar, and him in all his geeky glory brought back memories of watching Star Wars. Not really. But anyway, the three white-bearded amigos presented the award (bad Steven Spielberg should have had poor statueless Lucas announce the award) but Scorsese seemed plenty gratified to have his three amigos from the ‘70s present his award. But it just seems so belated to give him it now after Raging Bull, Taxi Driver and GoodFellas. But someday you’ll win an Oscar. Maybe not on your third film. That’s life, Alejandro. But then when you do get it, it’ll take a few pounds of Meryl Streep to calm Leo and Marky Mark down.

And then came the Best Picture. I swear, there must be fingernail marks on the chair where I was sitting. Oh, the drama! Diane Keaton, who didn’t deserve to be up there after Because I Said So, although delivered the oodles of enthusiasm that Jack Nicholson/Britney Spears lacked. (I have to say, though. Nicholson looks better without any hair than the rehab skipper/Justin cheater Britney) Pop culture tidbit: I saw Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel hanging around the podium, but no ScarJo and no Timberlake. Make that ScarLake. ScarLake was probably off in some faraway bed fucking the hell of each other and not paying attention the blaring Television screen displaying Justin’s three ex-girlfriends, two sexy with terrible fashion (see Part III later this week) and one standing with Diane Keaton. Back to Keaton. While Jack didn’t really do anything but hand his assignments over to Diane and open the envelope (remember when Catherine Zeta-Jones could barely open the envelope in 2003 due to her fingernails!). But when Diane peered around Britney/Jack, she raised her hands up high and defiantly declared The Departed! with such enthusiasm for what must have been her favorite BP nominee that you could hear Greta Garbo chuckling somewhere, far off. Oh, whatever. The most deserving film of the year won (well, sans the twenty films above it). That means something to me. I love you Diane, no matter how many terrible romantic comedies you make.


Also: later this week, I don't know when, I will be posting the fashion and afterthoughts, the last segment of Award Police. Anyway, do I sound less like Breakfast?

Oscar Buzz

Oscar Buzz. The name may have some er...unusual connotations. However, Oscar Buzz is an outlet for the film gods and goddesses to show their true colors and fly their flags, from Flags of our Fathers to Trois Colores. It was there where I met Amy and Breakfast, as well as an eccentric cast of characters, previously chronicled in Breakfast With a Libertine's profile.

I decided to redefine myself on the IMDb boards from a roaming poster sans a true identity to an ambiguous "Chubbit" on the fateful day of July 29th, 2006. From July to September, I claimed my territory on various boards, from The Time Traveler's Wife, Rent, and Bel Canto, to Wonder Woman. However, exactly two months later, on an even-more fateful September 29th, 2006; a link on another's messsage board profile (The Time Traveler's Wife) brought me to a board named "Oscar Buzz." There I made my first post, on the 1,000+ posted thread deciding the best film ever... However, it was on "Oscar Buzz" where I was introduced to an aforementioned eccentric cast of characters: BreakfastwithaLibertine, Amy_Winslet, Joe_Gilis, Hexibar_Saarsgard, Marisa_Gabriella, Popeye_Connelly, Shiza_Minelli, Cloak_of_the_Apocalpyse, PrinceEricSUCKS, Suzanne_Bale, Sensenomaking, Javier_Nasty, Nathaniel_Portman, Daniel_Owen (or maybe it was Daniel_Moore), Owls_Go and an elusive, lauded-upon, 12-year old queen of Oscar Buzz named "Jen_Gyllenhaal." Eventually, I burst onto the A-list, after many long hours of chain-posting, kissing Breakfast's ass, making Joe (now Yorick) exceedingly pissed off (pleasing Hexibar, now Sexi_Hexi_Green), and making comments on the greatness of Stick It. Others have followed me, but Oscar Buzz is part of my life. And, I luv u, Amy.