Award Police: Part III

Alas is the last segment. After a shitload of postponements, ‘ere is the third part of “Award Police,” the fashion segment.

Now I honestly don’t have much to bitch about in the fashion sense. Yes, Jessica Biel’s Pepto-Bisml dress was so tacky that even Abigail Breslin opted for a May-Queen style, but otherwise… Then again, I can go on for pages about how it isn’t usually a good idea to zoom in on Beyoncé during the acceptance speech of the Visual Effects, no matter how well she listens (no “Listen”/Dreamgirls pun intended). Still, I have to claim my eternal love for J. Lo’s daring, yet absolutely stunning dress. Girl, you got style.

This year was not a big year for fashion mishaps, or even a Charlize Theron-esque daring endeavor of a bow-on-shoulder that begins a tense online debate. Whatever.

First off: the Aussies. Naomi Watts must learn that poking through Cate Blanchett’s garbage is disturbing no matter marvelous her dress was and the fact that she won. Damn, you weren’t even nominated! Then there was Nicole Kidman. As I depicted with a sickening picture of her paired with a moppy Philip Seymour Hoffman, her cherry-red bow-topped (stole from Theron) Thing was quite cruel to Daniel Craig, cherries, Charlize Theron and everybody that she took up photo space with. Her Thing left memories in my mind of atrocious Björk swan dress, but otherwise, I turned my head, no matter how much I wanted to look at James Bond, away from the TV set. Bitch.

Then there were the dazzlers, the razzle-dazzlers, who stunned us with their daring waist sequins (the aforementioned J. Lo), their usual Hollywood glamour and elegance (Kate Winslet), the fashionable sweep of a azure shoulder strap (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and many, many more… The names listed above form a formidable list of the first and foremost women in Oscar fashion. And here I am, presenting the ten best-dressed women on February 25th, 2007:
10. Emily Blunt
9. Beyoncé Knowles
8. Cate Blanchett
7. Kate Winslet
6. Rachel Weisz
5. Penelope Cruz
4. Maggie Gyllenhaal
3. Helen Mirren
2. Reese Witherspoon
1. The Amazing Goddess of Jennifer Lopez

Witherspoon, who after her little Mena Suvari-wannabe Malibu hooker outfit, turned back into simplistic style with that beautiful navy blue dress, particularly surprised me. Yummy. Tell me again, why did Ryan Phillippe divorce her?

And then there were the men. Not much going on special, with sole exceptions of George Clooney, Djimon Hounsou and Mark Wahlberg, and then that despicable outfit that Philip Seymour Hoffman put together… Oh goodness, he won an Oscar and his style is that bad? Oh. My. Goodness. Let’s shift our mindsets back to the three amigos, Clooney, Hounsou and Wahlberg, who were all immaculately dressed, I luv u all.

So that’s about it. I send my love to J. Lo and Marky Mark…but otherwise, let fashion live free and happy for the rest of it’s goddamn life. And how come Meryl Streep has no fashion whatsoever after The Devil Wears Prada? Let’s stick it J. Lo and Marky Mark.